Be the Lighthouse, Not the Coast Guard
As a Generation X kid, before the age of cell phones and streaming, coming home after school at 3pm for me and many of my friends, meant one of two things-turning on the TV and tuning in to either Guiding Light or General Hospital. My soap of choice?
Guiding Light.
Keeping up with the 4 Musketeers (Rick, Mindy, Beth, Phillip), or the epic romance of Reva and Josh, was often the highlight of my teenage existence. Even now, when feeling lonely or blah, I’ll head over to YouTube and watch an old clip from an episode from the 80s and immediately feel lifted.
Thank you, Nostalgia.
The show’s opening promo changed over the years, but I remember the Lighthouse the best, the rotating beacon going round and round, shining its light for all to see.
Merriam-Webster’s dictionary meaning of lighthouse:
a structure (such as a tower) with a powerful light that gives a continuous or intermittent signal to navigators
Beacon: a lighthouse or signal for guidance; b) a source of light or inspiration
A common theme expressed by many of my clients is how to help a loved one in distress. One of the most painful experiences in the world can be witnessing a beloved walk through an inner world of emotional pain, turmoil, chaos, and addiction, and you can’t do a damn thing about it, but you sure do try…desperately hoping and praying that you or someone can steer them to the right resources or that you can save them. You may plead, threaten, get angry, beg, cry, scream, thinking that you’ll eventually get through; however, what’s really happening is that you have gotten caught in a web of codependent behaviors that benefit neither of you. And furthermore as a result, you may now be suffering yourself, in terms of anxiety, depression, feeling hopeless and helpless, or guilt-ridden because your love and concern are not enough, or that you are even somehow to blame or be at fault for their problems. The stress of it all will likely affect your physical health as well, e.g., sleeplessness, chronic pain, hypertension, greater vulnerability to illness or injury.
It is not your fault!
Be the Lighthouse, Not the Coast Guard!
Stop getting in your boat, rowing as fast as you can with all your might, desperately throwing the life jacket, and trying to pull them in. You are not called to be the Coast Guard. You are not responsible.
I am ever thankful that we have the Coast Guard, and all the many other critical first responders and crisis workers who have dedicated their lives to helping others, that is their job, but also not forgetting that we can only be saved if we want to be.
But for you…you are a mother, father, sister, brother, loving partner, or perhaps a best friend, whose only job is to love. Shine your light as bright as you can. Stay grounded, rooted in the earth, imagining only the absolute best for your beloved, seeing them as the beautiful soul they truly are and always have been, They are merely being clouded by the illusions in their mind. Stand on firm ground, allowing Mother Earth to hold you up, loving you, as you send out your heart’s energy.
Shine and shine some more, and maybe your message will be received as a reminder that they too, are a lighthouse in this world.
I share this with you not only to speak of my own journey of recovery from codependency, but to remind us of a powerful message as we make our way to shore.
The backwoods of my house feel like a holy sanctuary, where there seem to be hundreds of trees, especially beech trees. I’ve come to fall deeply in love with these magnificent marvels. Their height, smooth bark (you know the ones, where we humans love to carve our initials, along with our sweethearts), strong roots, and overall resiliency, are something to behold. My Sit Spot is actually at the foot of a beech-more on that next time.
It dawned on me one afternoon as I sat at the foot of my tree, that these trees represent the lighthouse-deeply rooted, grounded, firm, resilient against storms, and simply doing what they do best-just Being.
Beech trees, as well as all trees really, serve as that powerful reminder to slow down, breathe, move with the wind, and simply be. Not unlike the spirit of the lighthouses that dot our shores. What better way to love and honor ourselves, as we love and honor our loved ones.
I encourage you to take a break in your day, close your eyes, and let go of your worries, if only for a few moments. And perhaps get outside, and allow yourself to be drawn to one of nature’s lighthouses. Nature always has a way to show us the way.
If you’re struggling with how to help a loved one, feel caught up in enabling, caretaking, or controlling patterns of behavior, feeling helpless or lost, you’re not alone. Make space for yourself, give yourself compassion, and allow nature’s lighthouses to bathe you in love. I’m here for you along this journey, so please reach out. I’d love to hear how it’s going, and am available to offer support.
Til next we meet in the forest…
Love,
Amanda ❤️
Let July be July, by Morgan Harper Nichols
Let July be July
And let August be August
And let yourself
just be
even in
the uncertainty.
You don’t have to fix
everything.
You don’t have to solve
everything.
And you can still
find peace
and grow
In the wild
of changing things.
