What my Allergies are Teaching me about Fear
At the onset of spring’s arrival this year, I made the decision to consult a specialist for allergy testing. Reason being, for the last couple of springs (and falls), I’ve found myself unable to breathe and consumed with all the typical allergy symptoms that last all season. I’ve experienced this off and on for most of my adulthood, but lately it’s gotten super bad since spending more time outdoors. Let’s just say I wasn’t prepared for the outcome.
Final results- I tested positive, between moderate to severe, for most everything-13 trees, 6 grasses, 7 weeds, molds, mites, and cats (but not dogs…love dogs, but I’m a most definite cat person). My pin cushion arm looked like it had been branded. Both the nurse and doctor stated that they hadn’t seen testing results like mine in a while, and I was asked by both if I was a native of the area and if I had lived here for several years (I am and I have). When I heard, “you’re allergic to nature,” I burst out laughing (to keep from crying). For someone who is deeply in love with Mother Nature, why was my body betraying me so?!
Around 5 years ago, I was diagnosed with autoimmune disease, and this got me curious about the connection. I did my research and found that yes, the 2 are related and this simple passage struck me and led to a deeper introspection about fear:
“Allergies generally indicate that the immune system is in a kind of overdrive, reacting to a whole lot of things that don’t actually cause any harm to the body. A little bit of animal dander for ex., poses no threat to the body, but, in allergy sufferers, the immune system basically believes that it does.”
Even though it is a harmless thing that poses no threat to us, our system “basically believes that it does.”
In the mental health world, this sums up how fears influence our beliefs and create cognitive distortions that can have disastrous consequences. You may be someone with a history of rejection who misperceives another’s actions as potential abandonment and may end a relationship prematurely or sabotage it, or someone filled with worry and anxiety, afraid to leave the comfort of their own home or make needed changes for growth, etc.
Many of my adult fears have centered around financial matters and worries about my children’s well-being. But my relationship with fear started much earlier.
Since I was a little kid, I’ve been afraid.
Of looking dumb, not fitting in, failing, afraid of conflict. This drove my people-pleasing and strive for perfection, i.e., good girl bringing home the straight A’s. I often froze when placed in challenging or difficult situations. It really ramped up in the 4th grade, a horrible year for my nervous system as an extremely introverted 9-10 year old. That year was one of several “firsts”, e.g., oral book report presentation in front of the class, spelling bees with not just my class, but the entire 4th grade, and quick, fast, think on your feet “games”, namely with math problems, that involved racing against a competitor to the front of the chalkboard, and solving an equation, trying to be the winner and not looking stupid. Has to be why I hate math to this day.
My nerves were so frayed, I missed a LOT of days, and was even hospitalized for a possible blocked GI tract. I knew the school nurse well. I spent a lot of time on that cot, or in the girls’ bathroom stalls. Whenever I did return after an absence, my teacher made me sit outside the classroom, on the hallway floor for make-up work, which I guess was necessary, but felt humiliating, like I did something wrong, especially when the other classes walked past me..
I kept my head down.
I now realize my illnesses were psychosomatic in nature, caused by my intense fears that hijacked my system.
I’ve strived hard in recent years to challenge my fears and beliefs that still like to hijack me, and to choose to do the things that scare me instead, but not to the point of overdrive. Never to the point of emotional flooding. I have the best smelling candle in my office that says, “Beautiful girl, you can do hard things.”
Baby steps.
A set mindset is not a growth mindset. Staying too long in a self-protective mode leaves us stuck, stagnant, and isolative. I’m really working hard to shift my thinking and to release the temptation to resist challenges. There’s no difference in the physical sensations of anxiety and excitement-both involve increased heart rate, sweatiness, a sense of anticipation of something about to happen; but they’re entirely different regarding attitude and perception. And we know perception is everything.
This year holds some new “firsts” for me. I have a few public speaking engagements lined up throughout the year, and this month I’ll be solo facilitating an outdoor nature retreat.
I no longer fear being seen as dumb. Over the years, I’ve learned to lean into confidence, self-efficacy, and creativity. I want to take advantage of greater opportunities for personal growth, especially as I age. I don’t want to stay the same.
Trees bend in the wind. It’s really quite something to watch a large tree sway and dance from the trunk to the crown on a rather blustery day. As a general rule, healthy and well-established trees can typically withstand wind speeds of up to 50-60 miles per hour without significant damage. They show me how to be flexible, receptive, and bend in order to live and feel the wind on my face.
I encourage you to honor and celebrate every time you stay with your fear and look directly in its eye. Fear may have an important message to share in particular situations, and in those cases, it’s equally important to listen to that intuitive voice, but much of the time, it’s rooted in unhelpful distortions, stemming from fears of not being safe.
A mantra I often rely on for comfort and frequently practice in meditation goes, “I am safe, I am calm, I choose to be here.”
Step a toe into the water
Zoom out instead of in
Say yes
And I’ll do the same
I’m soon to begin immunotherapy shots to help my body know that “it’s ok.” And I’ll keep returning to nature, helping my body to remember where it came from.
(PS-I finished up my elementary years on a high note, the 5th grade rocked, thank you Ms. Blevins!)
Til next we meet in the forest…
Love,
Amanda ❤️
