The Gift of Self-Compassion
I know you’ve heard it before and have likely fallen victim to it yourself…”we are our own worst enemy.”
This month I want to share with you what I’ve learned and am still learning about self-compassion. An emotion, an expression of an action, one we often have a complicated relationship with, and one that’s hindered or kept in the dark when shame is in full throttle.
“Shame-I am bad. The focus is on self, not behavior. The result in feeling flawed and unworthy of love, belonging, and connection. Shame is not a driver of positive change.”
A time in my life when I began slowly unraveling the coils of shame and started moving from a highly critical state to a more loving, nurturing one, came after a painful divorce. This was an era of time I struggle with words to describe, so I’ll just say it felt awful, was messy, and affected other loved ones, not just the two primary people. For several years afterwards I carried that awfulness and the wounds of shame, and in doing so, kept myself in an emotional dungeon. A moment of knowingness and clarity came when I decided I needed to get away, literally get away, and spend time with myself in a healing environment, hoping that would give me permission to start my healing. Maybe my first true act of self-compassion?
So, I started saving my money and began searching for that getaway, and found it in Arizona. I came across a week-long spiritual retreat, held and hosted by a couple in their personal home. No doubt friends and family alike all thought I was nuts to entrust myself in the hands of 2 complete strangers. But you know when you know said my soul. I hopped on a plane and landed in the desert, emotionally bedraggled and spent, cautiously optimistic, but ready for anything. I soon met another seeker who became my friend-love you, Elaine! And together, we were shown the most incredible kindness, attention, care, and love that has remained with me to this day. To say it was life-changing is an understatement. Marian and Garrett (Western Spirit Enrichment Center) demonstrated the authentic compassion I was seeking and gave me that much sought after permission to do the same.
I was tended to, but also challenged. I vividly recall our first hike to the top of one of those massive red rocks, when Garrett said, as he pointed to an area close to the apex, “that’s where we’re going,” and Elaine and I looked at each other, thinking aloud, “uh, no way that’s happening,” at least I was. About an hour or so later, sitting at the top with my new friends including Dylan, the Australian shepherd, looking down at the tiny moving ants of the human world and up at Big Sky, I felt closer to the Divine than I had in a very long time. I remember thinking, “don’t ever forget this moment, Amanda,” and I never have.
When you find yourself struggling with shame, self-compassion may be the last thing on your mind, but it’s the first step towards healing. And very significantly, it moves you from the wound to the scar. So how can we practice this in our daily lives?
You can’t avoid the pain. We must lean into our suffering enough to move towards the development of Empathy. Suffering is a gateway to empathy and leads to greater connection and communion with others also hurting. When empathy is absent, judgment sneaks in. One of my favorite Rumi quotes, and one that is widely known is “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I’ll meet you there.” Judgment pulls us into conflict and I’d rather trade judgment for curiosity. Curiosity pulls us toward connection. This is true when we’re just dealing with me, myself, and I, as well as with other people.
Reflect on a time when a friend was suffering-how did you respond? What was your tone? Your voice? Your attitude? Your words?-Now, go do that for yourself.
Touch is a powerful resource for creating greater self-compassion. Touch increases heart rate variability and calms our nervous system. Place both hands over your heart center, your solar plexus-below your rib cage or your “gut.” Cradle your face like you would a child or lean your head over to one side, letting it rest in your hand. Hug yourself, rock if you need to, saying,”I’m here for you,” or whatever it is that you need to hear. Don’t forget to breathe.
(Dr. Kristin Neff is a leader on self-compassion for additional resources and guidance.)
Finally, Nature acts as a partner with us in our healing. Especially on those super hard days when self-love feels impossible (Hint-that’s when shame is driving your bus), go outdoors as suggested by Beth Norcross from The Center for Spirituality in Nature, and find a natural area and begin to search for some element of nature that you’re drawn to. Allow this to happen naturally, don’t force it. Once you’ve connected with this element, start observing it up close and see what happens. Take a breath, breathe with it, and ask some questions:
“What is it like to be you?” And then listen for the response
“What do you eat?” Consider where this being gets its food and water
“Are you afraid?”
“Are you in pain?”
You might then say, “I am here with you.”
This can be particularly profound if you’re drawn to something that is decaying or being degraded or appears to be hurt. In nature, pain, suffering, decay and death are all present as part of the ecosystem, just as in our human world lives.
Another practice is to offer a blessing to nature’s inhabitants, such as “May you be well,” “May you grow strong” “May you receive all that you need today” “May you be at peace”
And then pause, wait to see if you might receive a blessing in return.
My wish for you is to give yourself grace, gentleness and compassion for the unique being you are.
To Come Home to Yourself
May all that is unforgiven in you
be released,
May your fears yield
Their deepest tranquilities,
May all that is unlived in you
Blossom into a future
Graced with love.
-John O’Donohue
Til next we meet in the forest…
Love,
Amanda ❤️
Bell Rock, Sedona, AZ
